I took my SATs over the weekend. I got up at 6:00am on Saturday && was at the High School to meet Ms.Bowers at 7:15am. We drove to Nichols && I got in there at 7:45am, but it took until like 8:30am to get the test started. As the test was going, it was alright; not too hard, but not too easy either. I think I did alright, or at least I hope so. I finally got out of the SATs at 1:00pm and had to walk home from Nichols on Colvin && Amherst. It sucked because it was raining. =[ I got home at around 2 and slept for awhile, got woken up && had to babysit. The day was okay though. I've gotten 1 test down && 1 more to go this Friday [AP US History]. I think I'll do okay, I hope so. Slowly my stress is lessening...
Yesterday was the best day of the weekend. Everything just went smooth && pretty much perfect. ^_^
Today I'm going to be babysitting Brandon's little brother Michael && I'm going to Shea's with Olivia for her prom dress. Today should be a good day. Tomorrow I get to chill with Mark from the time I get outta school until around 6:00pm, so that should be fun. We're gonna talk && that's it. I'm not getting used && led on any longer.
Who knows what could happen in life. I don't && right now, I don't care anymore. =]
&♥;
“It's so hard to say "I love you,” and not draw back in tears.
It's so hard to know that your not there to help me face my fears.
It's so hard to know the phones at reach, but I can’t hear your voice.
It's so hard to see you laughing, when I'm crying deep inside.
It's so hard to just find feelings and now have to make them hide.
It's so hard to live without you, when I need you more then air.
I want to scream how much I love you, but I must hold back and not be heard.
It's so hard to go to sleep at night when I cannot dream of you.
It's so hard to think that you might fall in love with someone new.
It's so hard to not start crying when I hear your favorite song.
It's so hard to sit and wonder, where did I go wrong?”
Okay, so in this blog today, I plan on expressing every possible feeling I have inside of me. I'm miserable in everyway, in severe depression [3 days && counting], feel empty on the inside from feelings and lack of eating, && to top it all off I feel numb. I feel like nothing matters anymore && that besides crying from the inside, feelings aren't there any longer. I hate love, I really do. It's supposed to be this amazing feeling that brings joy to life, but not anymore. Once upon a time it used to make me feel that way, but then it all went away. Love is just one big regret after another when you're so young. You don't honestly know what love is until you've gone && lost it all. That's what I've done && I've regretted it everyday of my life since July 12th, 2007. I may not have acted like it, but that's because I was lost && confused, young in a new life - a new feeling. I'm going crazzi because there's this guy in my life that I can't get out of my head. Part of me used to think I was over him, but that was untrue. I covered it, tried to hide my love, tried to be okay without him, but it never worked. Never had, never will.
To start off this story, let's go back to Summer 2006, my first summer in Black Rock...
I came around there with a few girls I met in school && met a few guys that were weird at first, but became absolutely amazing. First I met Mark Galley. Amy's older brother, just the kid at the computer with the crazzi 'fro. He was just another guy to me at first, but eventually became the love of my life. I met John Guertin, crazzi ass kid I'd see around school. I thought he was hott && would never expected him to become my closest && best friend. Finally I met Brandon Van Dusen. This kid was a straight-up geek when I met him. I never imagined hanging out with him, but the closer I got to the guys, the closer we became. We were best friends, who would've thought? So I started getting really close to these 3 guys, playing hackysack and chillin' day after day. We created SSSB && were positively inseperable. Mark && I started to talk more, began to fall for each other, and on September 13th, 2006, began to date. We had the best relationship either of us had ever had, we were always together, happy as hell just being together - even though we argued alot. We dated for 1 day less than 10 months until the arguing got too much for me. I was confused about the arguing because I never went through it before. I fucked up by cheating on him, but he still stuck by me, yet on July 12th, 2007 I ended our relationship. I was so out of it, didn't know what to do, but try dating others, moving on... Little did I know, that would not work for me... I dated other guys while Mark waited for me, he tried to move on, but he just couldn't && secretly, neither could I... Mark && I got back together on November 29th, 2007 and were able to last a month and a day until the lies Mark && my "friends" were feeding me drove me to the limit all over again. December 30th, 2007 we were over once again. Now we're pretty much at this point. We love each other to death, we are each others everything, but waiting all this time has become too much for Mark. He's found somebody new in his life that he wants to be with over me && it's killing me. I want to be happy for him, but I can't... He told me he still sees his future with me && everytime we've been together in the last month hanging out, we couldn't help but kiss && try to be together. I can't help but cry all the time now knowing I might be losing Mark for good... He's the world to me && I don't want to have to let him go. I'm scared because he said his future's still with me, but if him && this new girl get too serious, who knows what could happen? He just said wait for him like he did for me && we'll be together, but what if I'm waiting && end up moving to NYC? Or what if I don't move because I want him so bad && spend my future just waiting for him? I want him to see my feelings, I thought he did the other day when we spent 4 hours together crying, but it wasn't enough. Nothing I do is enough anymore && it's not fair because I love him && can't imagine being with anyone else but my baby...
