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i HATE you, but i LOVE you... &♥;i HATE you, but i LOVE you... &♥;
05.15.2008 America/New_York -0400 EDT

I need to be saved.  I need someone to stick by my side, because it feels like everyone's leaving me... 
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05.14.2008 America/New_York -0400 EDT

So my parents gave John && David permission to move into my house until they find a permanent place to live.  That's pretty cool because I'm happy I can help out two friends that mean alot to me.  =]  There's still alot of drama about it though.  See, if they didn't get this offer to stay at my house, they were planning on staying at Big John's which sucks because they'd have to walk to and from the Lower West Side everyday && that's really fucking dangerous.  John stayed there last night refusing to stay at my house, while David stayed the night.  My parents said they were going to obviously charge them rent && John feels it's too much to pay on his own until David's accepted on Welfare.  I talked to my mom && she agreed to lower the price && what not, but John's still super unsure.  At least he'd have a roof over his head && be able to go to school for sure everyday.  He just doesn't see it.  =[  Hopefully everything gets figured out, I don't want to have all this drama right before prom...  It's supposed to be fun, but instead life gets more && more dramatic everyday... 

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05.13.2008 America/New_York -0400 EDT

Why say you love someone if it doesn't mean the same?  Why give the one who feels you're their everything hope if there really is none?  Why say there's a chance if there's no chance in the world?  These questions I need answered.  I feel so broken inside, I can't stop crying or shaking...  Love doesn't mean anything...  Mark says he loves me, he wants to hold me, he misses me, etc...  Yet doesn't show it.  He wants me to be with him today so he can be with her tomorrow.  What sense does that make?  If he's sorry he's hurting me sooo much, why does he keep doing this?  I know I've hurt him, I understand, but putting me through this just doesn't make sense.  He's killing me && knows it && keeps saying sorry; but I know he's not.  He's not sorry at all.  He wants her so bad, why leave me on the side?  If I'm the one he loves && I'm the one that means more, why am I the back-up plan?  Why am I the one being used?  It just doesn't make sense && it hurts sooo bad.  I never expected this out of Mark && right now, this feels like a nightmare, I want to wake up && be okay...  ='[  I want to stop hurting && crying && wanting to die...  I just don't understand how the word love doesn't mean a thing... 
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05.09.2008 America/New_York -0400 EDT

My Johnny && David are moving...  It sucks, Sissy is so sick of the guys because supposedly they eat all the food in the house, && don't do shit, but smoke pot && write on the attic walls.  Which is bullshit!  She decided her, her boyfriend && the 3 kids are moving out to South Buffalo by the end of the month && Johnny && David can find their own place to stay.  =[  It sucks cuz now they're going to be staying with Jen down the street from me, which is closer to me, but at the same time harder to see them.  They're always doing favors for Jen && now they'll have less time to chill because they'll be doing work to make up for rent debt they'll have.  I don't know how to feel right now, I just don't want to really see that house empty out.  I'm gonna miss the hell outta Toni && Jordan && especially Serena...  =[  I'll never see them again, cuz they got evicted earlier today... 
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05.07.2008 America/New_York -0400 EDT

I'm totally 100% ready for prom!  ^_^  I got my blue && black dress, blonde && blue hairdye, black heels, blue diamond earrings, diamond necklace, moon && sun ankle bracelets, blue && black nail polish, diamond bracelet and my ticket.  Yeah, that's a long list.  I'm so ready, but at the same time I'm not.  I still wish I was going with Mark.  Oh well though, I'm going anyways.  =/  I even may have a ride with Andrew to get there!  ^_^  I can't wait, but the question is what to do after prom && who the hell is actually going!?!  Lol, I love my friends && want to be with them all...  &♥;
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05.06.2008 America/New_York -0400 EDT

I took my SATs over the weekend.  I got up at 6:00am on Saturday && was at the High School to meet Ms.Bowers at 7:15am.  We drove to Nichols && I got in there at 7:45am, but it took until like 8:30am to get the test started.  As the test was going, it was alright; not too hard, but not too easy either.  I think I did alright, or at least I hope so.  I finally got out of the SATs at 1:00pm and had to walk home from Nichols on Colvin && Amherst.  It sucked because it was raining.  =[  I got home at around 2 and slept for awhile, got woken up && had to babysit.  The day was okay though.  I've gotten 1 test down && 1 more to go this Friday [AP US History].  I think I'll do okay, I hope so.  Slowly my stress is lessening...

Yesterday was the best day of the weekend.  Everything just went smooth && pretty much perfect. ^_^

Today I'm going to be babysitting Brandon's little brother Michael && I'm going to Shea's with Olivia for her prom dress.  Today should be a good day.  Tomorrow I get to chill with Mark from the time I get outta school until around 6:00pm, so that should be fun.  We're gonna talk && that's it.  I'm not getting used && led on any longer.

Who knows what could happen in life.  I don't && right now, I don't care anymore.  =]

&♥;

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05.03.2008 America/New_York -0400 EDT

Prom is getting closer and I don't know what to do.  Mark is pretty much for sure not going, so he's outta the picture.  :'(  I lost that chance, but that makes it more complicated as well.  I don't know who to take, I have some ideas, but Idk.  I was thinking of bringing David, but idk, because he's been being weird towards me and I don't want him to just ditch me all of prom...  I have another idea or so for my prom date, but there are complications in those as well.  Then there's some people saying we'll be drinking after prom, but my friend Brandon is going to prom and I want to see him and stuff, but after prom I don't wanna be like "I'm going to drink, bye."  It's awkward. Ughhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
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05.01.2008 America/New_York -0400 EDT

I'm so unsure of what to do with myself anymore.  I can't stop thinking of all the bad things that could happen within the next few weeks.  I feel like I'm losing everything all over again.  When I got to spend time with Mark, he told me I was gaining my chance back && more, but I feel like that's giving me hope I will end up losing.  I feel like my grip is slipping on the love I have for him all over again.  I don't want to lose him, I just can't...  It hurts so bad knowing the chance is there && real...  My Junior Prom is coming up in about two weeks && Mark && I planned to go together since my Freshmen Summer, but now it's just a maybe.  That chance is going away for me && I feel so bad!  I don't want to go without him, because whether I have fun or not, nothing would compare to how I'd feel with him beside me there.  I want to share that special night with the guy I'm totally and utterly in love with.  I hate knowing that she could be taking him away from me; whether it's just a little while or forever.  I don't want him to let go of me.  I'm so depressed.  I was starting to eat again because things had seemed to be looking up, but now I'm back to starving myself && I've been going so crazzi that now when I cry I start hurting myself.  Yesterday while I was crying I was scratching at my arm && now I have a tiny cut next to my old burn marks... which were also from depression with Mark.  I don't want to hurt myself, I really don't, but all of this is killing me...  ='[  I need help, I need advice, I need to be saved...  Why can't he see how much I'm dying && come to my rescue??
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Name: Genny [Broken] &♥;
Country: United states
City: Buffalo, NY.

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&hearts; =] Mirror Pic. </3 ^_^
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