i HATE you, but i LOVE you... &♥; : i HATE you, but i LOVE you... &♥; blogyx.com SAVE ME! http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_11956.html#Comments 05.15.2008 -0400 EDT I need to be saved.  I need someone to stick by my side, because it feels like everyone's leaving me...  ]]> Moving In? http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_11855.html#Comments 05.14.2008 -0400 EDT So my parents gave John && David permission to move into my house until they find a permanent place to live.  That's pretty cool because I'm happy I can help out two friends that mean alot to me.  =]  There's still alot of drama about it though.  See, if they didn't get this offer to stay at my house, they were planning on staying at Big John's which sucks because they'd have to walk to and from the Lower West Side everyday && that's really fucking dangerous.  John stayed there last night refusing to stay at my house, while David stayed the night.  My parents said they were going to obviously charge them rent && John feels it's too much to pay on his own until David's accepted on Welfare.  I talked to my mom && she agreed to lower the price && what not, but John's still super unsure.  At least he'd have a roof over his head && be able to go to school for sure everyday.  He just doesn't see it.  =[  Hopefully everything gets figured out, I don't want to have all this drama right before prom...  It's supposed to be fun, but instead life gets more && more dramatic everyday... 

]]> Love apparently doesn't mean a thing... http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_11783.html#Comments 05.13.2008 -0400 EDT Why say you love someone if it doesn't mean the same?  Why give the one who feels you're their everything hope if there really is none?  Why say there's a chance if there's no chance in the world?  These questions I need answered.  I feel so broken inside, I can't stop crying or shaking...  Love doesn't mean anything...  Mark says he loves me, he wants to hold me, he misses me, etc...  Yet doesn't show it.  He wants me to be with him today so he can be with her tomorrow.  What sense does that make?  If he's sorry he's hurting me sooo much, why does he keep doing this?  I know I've hurt him, I understand, but putting me through this just doesn't make sense.  He's killing me && knows it && keeps saying sorry; but I know he's not.  He's not sorry at all.  He wants her so bad, why leave me on the side?  If I'm the one he loves && I'm the one that means more, why am I the back-up plan?  Why am I the one being used?  It just doesn't make sense && it hurts sooo bad.  I never expected this out of Mark && right now, this feels like a nightmare, I want to wake up && be okay...  ='[  I want to stop hurting && crying && wanting to die...  I just don't understand how the word love doesn't mean a thing...  ]]> Kicked Out? http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_11594.html#Comments 05.09.2008 -0400 EDT My Johnny && David are moving...  It sucks, Sissy is so sick of the guys because supposedly they eat all the food in the house, && don't do shit, but smoke pot && write on the attic walls.  Which is bullshit!  She decided her, her boyfriend && the 3 kids are moving out to South Buffalo by the end of the month && Johnny && David can find their own place to stay.  =[  It sucks cuz now they're going to be staying with Jen down the street from me, which is closer to me, but at the same time harder to see them.  They're always doing favors for Jen && now they'll have less time to chill because they'll be doing work to make up for rent debt they'll have.  I don't know how to feel right now, I just don't want to really see that house empty out.  I'm gonna miss the hell outta Toni && Jordan && especially Serena...  =[  I'll never see them again, cuz they got evicted earlier today...  ]]> Officially Ready For Prom. ^_^ http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_11509.html#Comments 05.07.2008 -0400 EDT I'm totally 100% ready for prom!  ^_^  I got my blue && black dress, blonde && blue hairdye, black heels, blue diamond earrings, diamond necklace, moon && sun ankle bracelets, blue && black nail polish, diamond bracelet and my ticket.  Yeah, that's a long list.  I'm so ready, but at the same time I'm not.  I still wish I was going with Mark.  Oh well though, I'm going anyways.  =/  I even may have a ride with Andrew to get there!  ^_^  I can't wait, but the question is what to do after prom && who the hell is actually going!?!  Lol, I love my friends && want to be with them all...  &♥;]]> Eh... Life. http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_11405.html#Comments 05.06.2008 -0400 EDT I took my SATs over the weekend.  I got up at 6:00am on Saturday && was at the High School to meet Ms.Bowers at 7:15am.  We drove to Nichols && I got in there at 7:45am, but it took until like 8:30am to get the test started.  As the test was going, it was alright; not too hard, but not too easy either.  I think I did alright, or at least I hope so.  I finally got out of the SATs at 1:00pm and had to walk home from Nichols on Colvin && Amherst.  It sucked because it was raining.  =[  I got home at around 2 and slept for awhile, got woken up && had to babysit.  The day was okay though.  I've gotten 1 test down && 1 more to go this Friday [AP US History].  I think I'll do okay, I hope so.  Slowly my stress is lessening...

Yesterday was the best day of the weekend.  Everything just went smooth && pretty much perfect. ^_^

Today I'm going to be babysitting Brandon's little brother Michael && I'm going to Shea's with Olivia for her prom dress.  Today should be a good day.  Tomorrow I get to chill with Mark from the time I get outta school until around 6:00pm, so that should be fun.  We're gonna talk && that's it.  I'm not getting used && led on any longer.

Who knows what could happen in life.  I don't && right now, I don't care anymore.  =]

&♥;

]]> Prom Is Getting Nearer... http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_11297.html#Comments 05.03.2008 -0400 EDT Prom is getting closer and I don't know what to do.  Mark is pretty much for sure not going, so he's outta the picture.  :'(  I lost that chance, but that makes it more complicated as well.  I don't know who to take, I have some ideas, but Idk.  I was thinking of bringing David, but idk, because he's been being weird towards me and I don't want him to just ditch me all of prom...  I have another idea or so for my prom date, but there are complications in those as well.  Then there's some people saying we'll be drinking after prom, but my friend Brandon is going to prom and I want to see him and stuff, but after prom I don't wanna be like "I'm going to drink, bye."  It's awkward. Ughhhhhh!!!!!!!!!]]> Severely Depressed. ='[ http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_10758.html#Comments 05.01.2008 -0400 EDT I'm so unsure of what to do with myself anymore.  I can't stop thinking of all the bad things that could happen within the next few weeks.  I feel like I'm losing everything all over again.  When I got to spend time with Mark, he told me I was gaining my chance back && more, but I feel like that's giving me hope I will end up losing.  I feel like my grip is slipping on the love I have for him all over again.  I don't want to lose him, I just can't...  It hurts so bad knowing the chance is there && real...  My Junior Prom is coming up in about two weeks && Mark && I planned to go together since my Freshmen Summer, but now it's just a maybe.  That chance is going away for me && I feel so bad!  I don't want to go without him, because whether I have fun or not, nothing would compare to how I'd feel with him beside me there.  I want to share that special night with the guy I'm totally and utterly in love with.  I hate knowing that she could be taking him away from me; whether it's just a little while or forever.  I don't want him to let go of me.  I'm so depressed.  I was starting to eat again because things had seemed to be looking up, but now I'm back to starving myself && I've been going so crazzi that now when I cry I start hurting myself.  Yesterday while I was crying I was scratching at my arm && now I have a tiny cut next to my old burn marks... which were also from depression with Mark.  I don't want to hurt myself, I really don't, but all of this is killing me...  ='[  I need help, I need advice, I need to be saved...  Why can't he see how much I'm dying && come to my rescue?? ]]> A Quote... &♥; http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_10692.html#Comments 04.30.2008 -0400 EDT “It's so hard to say "I love you,” and not draw back in tears.  
It's so hard to know that your not there to help me face my fears.  

 

It's so hard to know the phones at reach, but I can’t hear your voice.  

 

It's so hard to see you laughing, when I'm crying deep inside.  

 

It's so hard to just find feelings and now have to make them hide.  

 

It's so hard to live without you, when I need you more then air.  

 

I want to scream how much I love you, but I must hold back and not be heard.  

 

It's so hard to go to sleep at night when I cannot dream of you.  

 

It's so hard to think that you might fall in love with someone new.   
It's so hard to not start crying when I hear your favorite song.  

 

It's so hard to sit and wonder, where did I go wrong?”

]]> Hanging Out With Him... &♥; http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_10690.html#Comments 04.30.2008 -0400 EDT So I hung out with that guy yesterday && we got alot of emotions out.  We both wound up crying yesterday because of all of this...  We're both hurting because we might be losing our love.  Who knows what could happen though, I'm hoping for something good.  I don't know if good will happen though, because all I've had is bad luck.  Wish me luck?  I just love him so much... &♥;]]> Everything, just everything. http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_10577.html#Comments 04.29.2008 -0400 EDT Okay, so in this blog today, I plan on expressing every possible feeling I have inside of me.  I'm miserable in everyway, in severe depression [3 days && counting], feel empty on the inside from feelings and lack of eating, && to top it all off I feel numb.  I feel like nothing matters anymore && that besides crying from the inside, feelings aren't there any longer.  I hate love, I really do.  It's supposed to be this amazing feeling that brings joy to life, but not anymore.  Once upon a time it used to make me feel that way, but then it all went away.  Love is just one big regret after another when you're so young.  You don't honestly know what love is until you've gone && lost it all.  That's what I've done && I've regretted it everyday of my life since July 12th, 2007.  I may not have acted like it, but that's because I was lost && confused, young in a new life - a new feeling.  I'm going crazzi because there's this guy in my life that I can't get out of my head.  Part of me used to think I was over him, but that was untrue.  I covered it, tried to hide my love, tried to be okay without him, but it never worked.  Never had, never will.

To start off this story, let's go back to Summer 2006, my first summer in Black Rock...

I came around there with a few girls I met in school && met a few guys that were weird at first, but became absolutely amazing.  First I met Mark Galley.  Amy's older brother, just the kid at the computer with the crazzi 'fro.  He was just another guy to me at first, but eventually became the love of my life.  I met John Guertin, crazzi ass kid I'd see around school.  I thought he was hott && would never expected him to become my closest && best friend.  Finally I met Brandon Van Dusen.  This kid was a straight-up geek when I met him.  I never imagined hanging out with him, but the closer I got to the guys, the closer we became.  We were best friends, who would've thought?  So I started getting really close to these 3 guys, playing hackysack and chillin' day after day.  We created SSSB && were positively inseperable.  Mark && I started to talk more, began to fall for each other, and on September 13th, 2006, began to date.  We had the best relationship either of us had ever had, we were always together, happy as hell just being together - even though we argued alot.  We dated for 1 day less than 10 months until the arguing got too much for me.  I was confused about the arguing because I never went through it before.  I fucked up by cheating on him, but he still stuck by me, yet on July 12th, 2007 I ended our relationship.  I was so out of it, didn't know what to do, but try dating others, moving on...  Little did I know, that would not work for me...  I dated other guys while Mark waited for me, he tried to move on, but he just couldn't && secretly, neither could I...  Mark && I got back together on November 29th, 2007 and were able to last a month and a day until the lies Mark && my "friends" were feeding me drove me to the limit all over again.  December 30th, 2007 we were over once again.  Now we're pretty much at this point.  We love each other to death, we are each others everything, but waiting all this time has become too much for Mark.  He's found somebody new in his life that he wants to be with over me && it's killing me.  I want to be happy for him, but I can't...  He told me he still sees his future with me && everytime we've been together in the last month hanging out, we couldn't help but kiss && try to be together.  I can't help but cry all the time now knowing I might be losing Mark for good...  He's the world to me && I don't want to have to let him go.  I'm scared because he said his future's still with me, but if him && this new girl get too serious, who knows what could happen?  He just said wait for him like he did for me && we'll be together, but what if I'm waiting && end up moving to NYC?  Or what if I don't move because I want him so bad && spend my future just waiting for him?  I want him to see my feelings, I thought he did the other day when we spent 4 hours together crying, but it wasn't enough.  Nothing I do is enough anymore && it's not fair because I love him && can't imagine being with anyone else but my baby...

]]> "Thank You" : Simple Plan. http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_10379.html#Comments 04.26.2008 -0400 EDT I thought that I could always count on you,
I thought that nothing could become between us two.
We said as long as we would stick together,
We’d be alright,
We’d be ok.
But I was stupid
And you broke me down
I’ll never be the same again.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back

Yeah!

I wonder why it always has to hurt,
For every blessing that you have to learn.
I won’t forget what you did to me,
How you showed me things,
I wish I’d never seen.
But I was stupid,
And you broke me down,
I’ll never be the same again.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship the good times we had you can have them back

When the tables turn again,
You’ll remember me my friend,
You’ll be wishing I was there for you.
I’ll be the one you’ll miss the most,
But you’ll only find my ghost.
As time goes by,
You’ll wonder why,
You’re all alone.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back.

So thank you, for lying to me,
So thank you, for all the times you let me down
So thank you, for lying to me,
So thank you, your friendship you can have it back!]]> Goodbye For Life. http://GeNnYaWeSoMeNeSs.blogyx.com/comments_10363.html#Comments 04.26.2008 -0400 EDT All over something stupid, you want to end our friendship?  Fine!  Have it your fucking way.  I may not act like I care as much as I say I do, but you know what?  A best friend is supposed to realize the feelings are still there.  You never noticed anything about me, because you just do nothing, but treat me terribly and judge, judge, judge!  How are you going to say everything is pretty much my fault and then switch it around to "oh, it's all my fault, wah, wah, wah!?"  I can't do it.  Fuck the last two years, fuck 4:22, fuck everything and anything we ever shared.  Take back the memories and all the good times.  Take back the presents and all the crazzi pictures.  You want to hate me, then you'll mean nothing.  I'm threw with you, now you can move back to Vegas just like you always wanted to because there's no such thing as your first love.  I DON'T EXIST TO YOU ANY FUCKING MORE!!!  Goodbye for life, I'm giving up. 

You'll be better off without me anyways!!!

]]>