what do you do when one of the most amazing friendships you've ever had is on the rocks? ... what about 2? idk what to do about my friends anymore, i feel like all i do is fuck up the friendships. i can't blame them, unless i'm really mad, but even then i don't even believe it. i feel like everytime something goes wrong on account of them, it's just because of something i've previously done. i feel like all i can do is hurt the ones i love, and i don't want to do that! How can i show my friends how sorry i am for always hurting them? i can't buy them back, or just make it fix itself. and i definately can't talk it out, because everytime i try to talk, i fuck it up. but what i don't get sometimes, is when I'M willing to work it out, and they're not. does that still make it my fault? i don't even know anymore, but i do know this: [poem]
i hate the arguing, broken friendships and pain.
i hate the way i make you feel - so insane.
i hate the things i say and the things i do,
i hate everything... all except for you.
So i'm finally back to school after the 4-day Thanksgiving weekend!!! My weekend was kinda fun, but there were times I wish I wasn't existing. That was only once though. I'm all good now. Let's see what I did...
To start it off, this is Thursday: I spent most of the day alone at home because of Thanksgiving, except for when I stopped over at Kayla's around 12pm until 1pm. I spent the day with my parents, 2 younger sisters, older sister & her boyfriend and my nephew. I ate alot, lol. After things started settling down at home, Sammy came over and then we went and slept over at Chrissy's house. I got to see Angel that night, too.
Now, onto Friday: I didn't really get to see anyone. Around 4pm, I walked over to Vanessa's house and then we went to the Boulevard Mall. We got there around 5pm and had pretty much no money. We went into almost every single store in that mall and stayed walking around until 9:11pm when our bus came. We ate pretzels and got new stuff and took Stress Tests; it was alot of fun. I'm happy I got to spend that time with Vanessa.
Saturday: I spent most of Saturday chillin' with Chrissy at her house, but I also seen Sammy, Angel & David. We watched Saw 3 and that movie is so twisted. I was texting Mark while watching that and was getting into a really deep conversation. Finally, Mark told me he wants to be with me again, just needs a bit more time. I was so happy, but at the same time kinda sad because I knew I'd have to break it to David. So I did; and that didn't turn out good. He was crying and then went into one of his Panic Attacks. I was freaking out! After about an hr, David got okay again, and I went home to get my stuff cuz I was sleeping over Chrissy's again with Kayla!
Last, but not least, Sunday: After we woke up and finished getting ready; David, Angel, Sammy, Chrissy, Kayla, Michelle and I went to Raymond's house for a party. It was alot of fun, we chilled with Raymond, Phearon, Brandon, Ryan, etc. and just partied!! We ate and tasted chocolate shots of JD, lol. I even got B to take one!! It was nuts. I had an ass smacking war with Ray and then he almost raped me. It was great. XD After the party, we got back to Chrissy's and then I went to John's for a bit to see him, Mark & Henry. I loved getting to see them because I've missed them all. After awhile I went back to Chrissy's and just chilled until 10:30pm. We had alot of fun and I'm glad that for my long weekend I got to see everyone. =]]
MY WEEKEND WAS FUCKING SWEET! I LOVE MY DUMBASS FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!! XD RIVERSIDE CREW & SSSB FOREVER & ALWAYS!!!!
Time doesn't stop for anyone, nobody at all.
Time just keeps going, while you stand or while you fall.
It doesn't stop when you're in love, so you can think things through.
Nor does it stop when you realize that that lost love has grew.
You make alot of mistakes, like letting The One go.
Time doesn't let you take that back, I guess it just goes to show.
That only you can control what you do and what you say.
I hope my lost love comes back to me, each and everyday.
-Genny Mae McCurdy. Written: 11-18-07.
here's what's running through my heart right now...
okay, i love Mark. like so much, more than anything in the world. i miss him so much, i can't stop thinking about him...i just wanna be his again, it makes me cry when i dream about him. even to this day i still wanna marry him one day...but i don't think it's going to happen anymore, because i made him wait to long and now he's trying to let go...i don't want him to let go...plz Mark, don't let go...i wanna go back to when it was all about GM-n-MG and nothing else. when we were all the other needed...when i was happy...
now about David. he loves me. like, he fell really hardcore. i still care about him, but after everything we went through, idk if i can do that again. right now i just need to figure my shit out.
there's 2 other people i like, but one of them i won't take the chance on cuz i KNOW i'll be hurt, and the other won't see me in that way. he used to, but we have too amazing of a friendship.
so now, where do i go? i wanna keep trying to talk to Mark, but it feels like that's not going anymore or helping me at all...*sigh*
i'm in desperate need of help.
i know something you dunno!!!! =P try guessing all you want, you'll never figure it out!!!! =)
i have nowhere left to go...
nobody else to help me through my life.
i'm hurting everyone everyday.
fuck this, the next week [until next Wednesday], i'm staying in the house.
no visitors, no cell phone, no contact. the end.
i can't take the pain i cause or the pain i feel....
This weekend was soooooooooo different and fun, and omg, I just loved it. To start it off on Friday, it was pretty bad. First, Brandon and I got into a fight, followed by Mark and I. That sucked really bad. I was feeling completely horrible, with only the party weekend to look forward to and hopefully take my mind off my drama. I chilled with Michelle and Charles that day, went to Burger King, just hung out. It was going pretty good, until we started walking back. I got a call from Tommy asking us to go to Angel's sister's house and chill with him instead of walking back and whatever. So we did, little did we know the drama would spark up. I called Chrissy and she told me Angel was going to fight Tommy, so I called Angel and he said he wasn't. I assume it's all good. Angel shows up and when Tommy got close enough *BAM!*; Angel rocked him! His lip got ripped open and was gushing blood. I was so upset with Angel, I was trying to take care of Tommy, but I wound up just leaving from being so upset. I couldn't believe Angel lied to me... That's where this gets more in depth. Angel rode Eric's bike up to where I was and tried talking to me. Angel hit him because he was hurt and I was lied to. Tommy had written me a note saying he loved me and wanted to be with me... yet Thursday night, him and Cassie started dating again. That pissed me off so bad. I called Tommy, told him I wanted my shit and I hate him. He's dead to me, as Cassie is, too. She better watch her back. Which is funny since she's "writing me a note" like I give a shit. But ANYWAYS!!!!!!!!!! After that happened, we all chilled, people drank and smoked and just had fun. It got my mind off of everything and I got to be with friends I love alot. I realized how much fun partying is for people who do it, so I shouldn't be so anti-. I told Mark that, and I hope that helps our situation... Saturday we all got up around 11am, went home and showered, then came back for more. They drank and smoked some more and we partied all night long- again! Sunday, we all woke up at 9am!!! and we made Eggs & Pancakes for breakfast. Some people left around 5pm to go home for good or whatever, I on the otherhand went to make money babysitting. >.>; That was fun because I had Chrissy & David there. We went back to the house for a bit, then got a ride home by 10:10pm. The weekend made me realize alot of new things and change for the better. I hope people get used to the changes, because I'm done being sorry for being me. I'm 16 years old, it's my time to live life and have fun... which is EXACTLY what I plan to do!!! Cya later, Adios!!!!!! <3
PS: Idk if you can tell to much, but yeah, still heartbroken and miserable.
I hope everybody had a really good Halloween!!!! Mine was awesome! I walked around with 8 other people and went to visit sick friends, and places we wanted Candy at; including Getty! Lol. I love candy!!!! I got semi-lots of candy and had so much fun,I can't wait 'til next yr!! The only part I disliked was Tommy was a little blah, but everything else was perfecto!!!! I still think no Halloween will ever top last yr, but who knows? I love my friends!!! Happy Halloween everybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [God, I'm Hyper.]
Man, I wish I brought my candy to school. >.>; *GENNERZ*
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