“It's so hard to say "I love you,” and not draw back in tears.
It's so hard to know that your not there to help me face my fears.
It's so hard to know the phones at reach, but I can’t hear your voice.
It's so hard to see you laughing, when I'm crying deep inside.
It's so hard to just find feelings and now have to make them hide.
It's so hard to live without you, when I need you more then air.
I want to scream how much I love you, but I must hold back and not be heard.
It's so hard to go to sleep at night when I cannot dream of you.
It's so hard to think that you might fall in love with someone new.
It's so hard to not start crying when I hear your favorite song.
It's so hard to sit and wonder, where did I go wrong?”
Okay, so in this blog today, I plan on expressing every possible feeling I have inside of me. I'm miserable in everyway, in severe depression [3 days && counting], feel empty on the inside from feelings and lack of eating, && to top it all off I feel numb. I feel like nothing matters anymore && that besides crying from the inside, feelings aren't there any longer. I hate love, I really do. It's supposed to be this amazing feeling that brings joy to life, but not anymore. Once upon a time it used to make me feel that way, but then it all went away. Love is just one big regret after another when you're so young. You don't honestly know what love is until you've gone && lost it all. That's what I've done && I've regretted it everyday of my life since July 12th, 2007. I may not have acted like it, but that's because I was lost && confused, young in a new life - a new feeling. I'm going crazzi because there's this guy in my life that I can't get out of my head. Part of me used to think I was over him, but that was untrue. I covered it, tried to hide my love, tried to be okay without him, but it never worked. Never had, never will.
To start off this story, let's go back to Summer 2006, my first summer in Black Rock...
I came around there with a few girls I met in school && met a few guys that were weird at first, but became absolutely amazing. First I met Mark Galley. Amy's older brother, just the kid at the computer with the crazzi 'fro. He was just another guy to me at first, but eventually became the love of my life. I met John Guertin, crazzi ass kid I'd see around school. I thought he was hott && would never expected him to become my closest && best friend. Finally I met Brandon Van Dusen. This kid was a straight-up geek when I met him. I never imagined hanging out with him, but the closer I got to the guys, the closer we became. We were best friends, who would've thought? So I started getting really close to these 3 guys, playing hackysack and chillin' day after day. We created SSSB && were positively inseperable. Mark && I started to talk more, began to fall for each other, and on September 13th, 2006, began to date. We had the best relationship either of us had ever had, we were always together, happy as hell just being together - even though we argued alot. We dated for 1 day less than 10 months until the arguing got too much for me. I was confused about the arguing because I never went through it before. I fucked up by cheating on him, but he still stuck by me, yet on July 12th, 2007 I ended our relationship. I was so out of it, didn't know what to do, but try dating others, moving on... Little did I know, that would not work for me... I dated other guys while Mark waited for me, he tried to move on, but he just couldn't && secretly, neither could I... Mark && I got back together on November 29th, 2007 and were able to last a month and a day until the lies Mark && my "friends" were feeding me drove me to the limit all over again. December 30th, 2007 we were over once again. Now we're pretty much at this point. We love each other to death, we are each others everything, but waiting all this time has become too much for Mark. He's found somebody new in his life that he wants to be with over me && it's killing me. I want to be happy for him, but I can't... He told me he still sees his future with me && everytime we've been together in the last month hanging out, we couldn't help but kiss && try to be together. I can't help but cry all the time now knowing I might be losing Mark for good... He's the world to me && I don't want to have to let him go. I'm scared because he said his future's still with me, but if him && this new girl get too serious, who knows what could happen? He just said wait for him like he did for me && we'll be together, but what if I'm waiting && end up moving to NYC? Or what if I don't move because I want him so bad && spend my future just waiting for him? I want him to see my feelings, I thought he did the other day when we spent 4 hours together crying, but it wasn't enough. Nothing I do is enough anymore && it's not fair because I love him && can't imagine being with anyone else but my baby...
I thought that nothing could become between us two.
We said as long as we would stick together,
We’d be alright,
We’d be ok.
But I was stupid
And you broke me down
I’ll never be the same again.
So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back
Yeah!
I wonder why it always has to hurt,
For every blessing that you have to learn.
I won’t forget what you did to me,
How you showed me things,
I wish I’d never seen.
But I was stupid,
And you broke me down,
I’ll never be the same again.
So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship the good times we had you can have them back
When the tables turn again,
You’ll remember me my friend,
You’ll be wishing I was there for you.
I’ll be the one you’ll miss the most,
But you’ll only find my ghost.
As time goes by,
You’ll wonder why,
You’re all alone.
So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back.
So thank you, for lying to me,
So thank you, for all the times you let me down
So thank you, for lying to me,
So thank you, your friendship you can have it back!
All over something stupid, you want to end our friendship? Fine! Have it your fucking way. I may not act like I care as much as I say I do, but you know what? A best friend is supposed to realize the feelings are still there. You never noticed anything about me, because you just do nothing, but treat me terribly and judge, judge, judge! How are you going to say everything is pretty much my fault and then switch it around to "oh, it's all my fault, wah, wah, wah!?" I can't do it. Fuck the last two years, fuck 4:22, fuck everything and anything we ever shared. Take back the memories and all the good times. Take back the presents and all the crazzi pictures. You want to hate me, then you'll mean nothing. I'm threw with you, now you can move back to Vegas just like you always wanted to because there's no such thing as your first love. I DON'T EXIST TO YOU ANY FUCKING MORE!!! Goodbye for life, I'm giving up.
You'll be better off without me anyways!!!
Happy 4:22, Brandon! Haha, so yeah today is looking up to be a pretty good day. I have the Math League Banquet to go to starting at like 11:30am or so, we're going to have mad fun, i just know it. After that && school is over Sam, Suzen, Vanessa, Steph && I are going to Shea's Performing Arts Center to get free prom dresses. Oh yeah! Haha, afterwards I hope to chill with Brandon, but if not, another day. We got to hang out for at least a little today just because of the date. Hehe, it's been a yr Brandon!! <333 Well yeah, g2g do powerpoint. =P
♥♥♥♥♥ I LOVE YOU, BRANDON! ♥♥♥♥♥
This weekend was positively terrible. To start off, I left school after 2nd period when I got picked up because I was so sick. It completely ruined my plans of getting drunk over the weekend, but then again, I didn't really want to anyways. What's messed up is even though I was sick, David "The Boyfriend," left me anyways with Steph && John. Wtf kinda shit is that? Whatever though, onto Saturday...
Saturday started off with a heart - to - heart talk with my mom. It got me thinking && then Mark && I met up. =] We chilled for awhile && he took care of me because of me being sick; I was really happy. After he left for work, I met up with the girls for awhile && then left them to go to the Buffalo Bandits vs. the Chicago Shamrox lacrosse game with Clayton && his family. We won 13-9, hahaha. After the game I stayed at John's house so I could have internet for the night...
Sunday came along && I chilled with the girls, celebrating 4:20 with everyone by going up && telling them all "Happy 4:20!" I had to babysit Serena last night && then around 9:30pm, David got back. We talked for about an hour or so && I told him everything I'd been thinking about over the last few days. We agreed to breakup && that was the end.
Now I feel all crappy like I hurt him && my friends will all hate me. So far, things are going to be okay, but still. =/ Hopefully today will be better, I have plans with the girls && a few of the guys. I probably won't see David right away. Wish me luck! ♥
okay, so i'm taking your advice and going to tell you how i feel about everything...
brandon,
we have been friends since late June of 2006 and our friendship was so amazing for the first year. you, john, mark and i were inseperable - bonded by the hip. we had sleep overs and played video games together, wrote on your wall and had our fake wrestling wars. we never got mad at each other, never argued, nothing. after mark and i broke up, everything started to change. everyone started seperating and getting really distant, whether we all wanted it to happen or not. with all of us distancing, we argued more and our group split up. i didn't want it to happen, but it did and i was torn up so bad on the inside. i didn't show it that well and i know i didn't, but i was feeling horrible. i want to make it work, i really do, but i just don't know how anymore. we don't even know how to have a simple conversation anymore without tearing each other apart at the seams. i hate it and i know i've fucked up, doing shit i shouldn't do, changing my group and never coming to visit, etc. but i still care. i can't imagine life without having you to turn to. if anything, your judging makes me feel like you don't care much, but i know you do so at the same time it makes me feel special. if you have a problem with anything i'm doing, i listen to what you have to say and even though we wind up arguing about it, it's only because i'm defending myself and the stupid things i say and do. i know it makes us drift further apart, but at the end of it all, we both try to make it better. i love you with all my heart, you'll never stop being my best friend whether i act like it or not. you're amazing to me, the shyness, the anger, the happiness, everything. i'm seen you smile, i've seen you cry and in the end i always tried to be right there by your side. i don't know if this can make anything better, but know this. i love you and will never give up on you. you'll always be my best friend and even if life takes us far, far away from each other, i'll remember everything we went through - the good and the bad and always think to myself "yep, that's still my best friend."
love always and forever,
genny.
I'm not sure what to do, about this friend of mine, he judges me like crazy - every single time...
If I do something wrong, I guess he's the first to know, because all I end up hearing is I'm fucked up and I'm low...
I can never make a mistake, without being treated like I'm nothing...
What kind of best friend does that to you? Mine does, so I have to do something...
Do I tell him how I feel, and risk losing him forever?
Or do I keep this to myself, and hope we stay together?
I NEED ADVICE, PLZ WRITE YOUR RESPONSES!
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