i HATE you, but i LOVE you... &♥;i HATE you, but i LOVE you... &♥;

Okay, so in this blog today, I plan on expressing every possible feeling I have inside of me.  I'm miserable in everyway, in severe depression [3 days && counting], feel empty on the inside from feelings and lack of eating, && to top it all off I feel numb.  I feel like nothing matters anymore && that besides crying from the inside, feelings aren't there any longer.  I hate love, I really do.  It's supposed to be this amazing feeling that brings joy to life, but not anymore.  Once upon a time it used to make me feel that way, but then it all went away.  Love is just one big regret after another when you're so young.  You don't honestly know what love is until you've gone && lost it all.  That's what I've done && I've regretted it everyday of my life since July 12th, 2007.  I may not have acted like it, but that's because I was lost && confused, young in a new life - a new feeling.  I'm going crazzi because there's this guy in my life that I can't get out of my head.  Part of me used to think I was over him, but that was untrue.  I covered it, tried to hide my love, tried to be okay without him, but it never worked.  Never had, never will.

To start off this story, let's go back to Summer 2006, my first summer in Black Rock...

I came around there with a few girls I met in school && met a few guys that were weird at first, but became absolutely amazing.  First I met Mark Galley.  Amy's older brother, just the kid at the computer with the crazzi 'fro.  He was just another guy to me at first, but eventually became the love of my life.  I met John Guertin, crazzi ass kid I'd see around school.  I thought he was hott && would never expected him to become my closest && best friend.  Finally I met Brandon Van Dusen.  This kid was a straight-up geek when I met him.  I never imagined hanging out with him, but the closer I got to the guys, the closer we became.  We were best friends, who would've thought?  So I started getting really close to these 3 guys, playing hackysack and chillin' day after day.  We created SSSB && were positively inseperable.  Mark && I started to talk more, began to fall for each other, and on September 13th, 2006, began to date.  We had the best relationship either of us had ever had, we were always together, happy as hell just being together - even though we argued alot.  We dated for 1 day less than 10 months until the arguing got too much for me.  I was confused about the arguing because I never went through it before.  I fucked up by cheating on him, but he still stuck by me, yet on July 12th, 2007 I ended our relationship.  I was so out of it, didn't know what to do, but try dating others, moving on...  Little did I know, that would not work for me...  I dated other guys while Mark waited for me, he tried to move on, but he just couldn't && secretly, neither could I...  Mark && I got back together on November 29th, 2007 and were able to last a month and a day until the lies Mark && my "friends" were feeding me drove me to the limit all over again.  December 30th, 2007 we were over once again.  Now we're pretty much at this point.  We love each other to death, we are each others everything, but waiting all this time has become too much for Mark.  He's found somebody new in his life that he wants to be with over me && it's killing me.  I want to be happy for him, but I can't...  He told me he still sees his future with me && everytime we've been together in the last month hanging out, we couldn't help but kiss && try to be together.  I can't help but cry all the time now knowing I might be losing Mark for good...  He's the world to me && I don't want to have to let him go.  I'm scared because he said his future's still with me, but if him && this new girl get too serious, who knows what could happen?  He just said wait for him like he did for me && we'll be together, but what if I'm waiting && end up moving to NYC?  Or what if I don't move because I want him so bad && spend my future just waiting for him?  I want him to see my feelings, I thought he did the other day when we spent 4 hours together crying, but it wasn't enough.  Nothing I do is enough anymore && it's not fair because I love him && can't imagine being with anyone else but my baby...